Canon Keepers: Suspian Eviction in Aslan's Country
by lovenarnia
Summary: Canon Keeper outriders Lopez and Simmons are called in to remove a Su-ified Susan from Aslan's Country during LB. Suspian- and OOC- fanfiction bashing.
1. Chaos at Canon Keepers, Inc

**Disclaimer: I own neither Narnia nor the Canon Keepers. Whoever came up with the Canon Keepers is an absolute genius, and I heartily commend them. I am merely borrowing CK, Inc. for a little while and I promise to give it back, its well-earned reputation intact.**

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><p><strong>Many, many thanks to Jealous of the Moon and her fellow CK writers for inspiring this fic. <strong>

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><p>The second-level Canon Keepers were all sitting around drinking coffee and eating donuts before starting work. There hadn't been much to do, lately, so they all were quite surprised when the red 'Sue-alert light went on and a voice came over the loudspeaker.<p>

"Will Lopez and Simmons report to the main office. Repeat: will Simmons and Lopez please report to the main office."

(The names of these two, unfortunately enough, were Maria Susana Lopez and Garrett Stuart Simmons, but they weren't a bad sort. However, to identify themselves as Canon Keepers and not "Mary Sues" and "Gary Stus", they went by Lopez and Simmons.)

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><p>Puddleglum, secretary of the main office, greeted them with a haggard smile. "Good morning, outriders of CK, Inc. Though when I say <em>good<em> I don't mean that it mightn't get worse later on. You'll meet a 'Sue, as likely as not. Be turned into 'Sues yourselves, I shouldn't wonder."

Simmons nodded politely and reached for the doorknob. "We were called up here to get _rid_ of a 'Sue, I believe."

Puddleglum nodded (glumly) before answering. "Ah, it's a bad business. Very bad indeed. One of the Northern Witch's doings, I shouldn't wonder."

"Uh-huh. Well, if you'll excuse us a minute, we'd like to go in and get the facts of the case," Lopez put in.

"Putting a good face on it, I see," Puddleglum replied, opening the door for them.

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><p>Susan Pevensie looked up from her desk in exasperation. "We've got a movie!Susan infiltrating <em>The Last Battle<em> and going to Aslan's country to be united with—"

"Her 'twoo wuv' Caspian," Lopez and Simmons "swooned" simultaneously.

"—who 'fetl in his hart of harts that his darling/pet/love/_soul mate_ Susan was neer', so ran out of Aslan's inner Narnia to meet her by the stable door just as she 'apeerd in frunt off him, her sparkleing/velvet/beuatiful/fluterring/violent (read: violet) dres bilowwing as hse runned to meat his.'"

Simmons and Lopez both groaned. "So, we have an 'authoress' who can't spell or use decent grammar."

"Named Willsgurlxx1!1," Susan finished dryly. "_Not to mention_ the fact that Ramandu's daughter doesn't exist at all. Apparently Caspian—ahem!—got Susan pregnant (and she had the baby) before the Pevensies left the second time, and that explains how Rillian came on the scene. Then the Pevensies left and Caspian's been pining over his 'twoo wuv' ever since." She consulted her computer. "She obviously overlooks the fact that Rillian couldn't have been enchanted had his mother not been murdered, in view of the 'greater good,' that is, getting Susan and Caspian back together."

Lopez spoke up. "So, how do _we_ figure into this?"

Susan pushed away from her desk. "Get your stun guns, de-OOC-ifier spray, mind-wiping spray, and 'Sue-guards. You're going into Aslan's country to rid it of the 'Sue. Bring her back here so that she may be properly dealt with." She glanced at the clock. "You have two hours before things _really_ get bad."

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><p>It was a bad business, very bad indeed. Those northern witches had something to do with it, I shouldn't wonder.<p>

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><p>AN: Sorry if this is no good. I was just getting rather impatient with all the Suspian fanfics out there (though some, admittedly, are well-written, I can't think of any at the moment). Combine that with reading Jealous of the Moon's Canon Keeper stories, and I just had to write one myself. Enjoy!

Next chapter will be up before the week is out.


	2. A HavocWreaking Gentle Queen

**Disclaimer: The only things I own in this fic are Simmons and Lopez, outriders of CK Inc., a corporation I do _not_ own. Neither do I own Narnia or anything pertaining to the Chronicles. **

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><p>Simmons grabbed his bag of 'Sue guards, de-OOC-ifier spray, and a stun gun and headed for the door. Lopez picked hers up and swung it onto her shoulder, stopping to slip on her return-button necklace before following him. They left CK, Inc. through the glowing portal which opened before them and found themselves in Narnia.<p>

The Narnia on the _outside_ of the stable. Thankfully, the world had not ended yet, but they could tell that it was about to—the Calormenes were standing around the stable discussing whether to go in and get Rishda out or leave him and set fire to the stable.

Simmons reached down and picked up one of the swords lying on the ground before leaping out and shouting, "For Narnia and for Aslan!" With a wild yell, he charged the group of heavily-armed Calormenes.

_This is crazy_, thought Lopez. _I was hoping to come to Narnia on the other side of the stable door. _She knew, however, that Simmons was probably right, so she followed him.

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><p>At that moment, a lovely woman appeared from behind the white rock. Both Simmons and Lopez recognized her immediately as movie!Susan. Perhaps it was a good thing they were not in the stable, after all.<p>

"Liek, stop!" 'Su called, the queenliest of queenly tones gracing her musical voice. "U r not gonna kill those guys!"

_Absolutely wonderful,_ groaned Simmons, _now we've got a 'Sue working _for_ us. She's got a use for us, I'll be bound_. _Trying to get into the stable to be reunited with Caspian, I shouldn't wonder. _It did not occur to him that he sounded very much like a Marshwiggle.

Un-amazingly enough, all the Calormenes stopped trying to kill Lopez and Simmons, choosing rather to be in awe of the 'Su's beauty. Instead of doing their duty (which was, canonically, deciding whether to set fire to the stable or go and rescue Rishda Tarkaan), they all stormed forward and fell at 'Su's feet.

"Liek, open hte dore1" she cried with an air of (supposedly) great authority. "I must be reuntied with my twoo wuv Cassie!"

One of the Calormenes rose and stood before her. He whipped off his helmet and said, "I am ur Cassie, my Susie!" They immediately fell into each other's arms and began kissing passionately (the Suthor conveniently forgetting the fact that it is extremely uncomfortable to embrace, let alone kiss passionately, in full armor).

Had the two Canon Keepers' arms not been securely tied and their bags of stun-guns and de-OOC-ifier spray removed from them, they would have made short work of the couple. By necessity, however, "Cassie" and "Susie" were allowed to continue their romantic reunion in front of them. Meanwhile, the obliging Calormenes pulled out various "instmrumets" and began playing an old Narnian love song, the title being "Caspain 'n' Suesand 4 ev R."

Then, still playing those annoying instruments, the Calormenes neatly deposited Lopez and Simmons in the stable and shut the door. The two love-birds were still outside the stable. Much to our heroes' chagrin, so were the stun-guns and the de-OOC-ifier spray.

After a few minutes of intense thought, they decided that since Lopez still had her return-button necklace, if they could get su-ified Caspian and Susan close enough, they could press the button and all be back at CK, Inc. The only difficulty in this plan was..._how?_

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><p>AN: It's not the greatest, and I know it. But I had to get it up somehow, because my plot comes at the wierdest times—like in the middle of the night.


	3. Mission Complete

**Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia or Canon Keepers, Inc. The mention of The Voyage of the Canon Keepers by _King Caspian the Seafarer_ is not mine either; I thought it would add more realism to the characters.**

A/N: This is the last chapter in this fic. I don't think I'm made for Canon Keepers. I'm not that technologically advanced; I simply _cannot_ misspell words believably; and, lastly, I do not know textese.

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><p>\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

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><p>It was not long before the two in the stable, if you <em>could <em>call it a stable, heard the Caspian-who-was-not-Caspian say to the Susan-who-really-should-not-be-here, "Susie, darling, this stable, liek, is really a way to Aslans cuntry!"

"Liek, no!" gasped the 'Su. (I can't properly call her a 'Sue, for she isn't an OC, yet I can't call her Susan, for she isn't truly Susan at all, so I shall continue to call her "the 'Su.") "Then, liek, what are we waiting for? Tack me to Aslans cuntry, my lurv!"

"Here they come," Simmons whispered to Lopez. "Get ready."

The door opened. (It must be recorded that the moment they stepped through, the 'Su's dress became even more pink, fuller, and more sparkly. Caspian's armor disappeared altogether and was replaced by a blue sparkly tunic and tights. The sight of Caspian in tights was enough to make Simmons sick.) The moment "Susan" saw the two Canon Keepers, she shrank back against "Caspian" with a shriek.

"Liek, who are you?" she gasped. "You aren't _Canon Keepers, _are you?"

Now, being properly brought up, the two bona-fide Canon Keepers could not lie and tell her that they were not, but neither could they tell her they _were_, and risk having a rabid Susan-Sue running amok through Aslan's country. Simmons, always the cool one under pressure, replied, "Do we _look _like Canon Keepers?" (In spite of everything they had endured thus far, they did.)

"Liek, seriously," Lopez added sarcastically.

The 'Su still was not satisfied. "Liek, what are your names?"

"Mary Sue," Lopez replied truthfully without missing a beat, and "Gary Stu," Simmons added.

The 'Su breathed a sigh of relief. "I _hate_ those Canon Keepers," she said, beginning to cry. Caspian immediately pulled her to him and began comforting her, glaring at the two for making his Susie cry. "They make my life _mizrubal!1 _Liek, _ttly1_ They didn't even let me stay after the Voyage of the Dawn Treader!"

"And I'm eternally grateful to Donovan and Connor for that!" muttered Simmons, referring to the case that _King Caspian the Seafarer_ has recorded in his archive _The Voyage of the Canon Keepers_. No one except Lopez heard him, and she was hard-pressed to keep from snorting.

"And," put in a tearful Caspian, "they want to ruen our lurv. I mean, liek, isn't it so romantic?"

Simmons, having recently split up with his girlfriend, was ready to gag at the mention of _anything_ being romantic. "It certainly is," he groaned.

Lopez suddenly realized that while this pity party was going on, the two hours the Real Susan Pevensie had given them were quickly running out. "Group hug!" she yelled. Without giving them any time to respond, she and Simmons threw their arms around the pair and held on tight. Lopez pressed the return button on her necklace.

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><p>Puddleglum was dozing in his office chair when a strong, repulsive odor woke him up. It was something he had smelled many times before—the smell that alerted him that the Canon Keepers were coming back with a 'Sue in tow. Hence, he was not surprised when a glowing portal appeared in the wall and Lopez and Simmons stepped through, dragging two struggling figures with them.<p>

Without a word, he opened the door to Susan Pevensie's office and motioned them in. The reason why he did this without a word was because he knew from experience that the foul smell grew stronger if you opened your mouth. It was a smell akin to the smell of a pigsty—the sort of foulness you can actually taste.

Susan looked over the two sorry creatures with disdain in her every feature. "So," she said after allowing the silence to become thick and heavy, "you actually thought you were _improving_ the world of fanfiction by acting in this story?"

Caspian, ever the gentleman, blubberingly replied, "It was the authoress! It was the only way I would ever see my Susie again, so I agreed to do it!"

Susan's patience snapped. "_I_ am the true Susan Pevensie, and FOR YOUR INFORMATION I do _not_ relish having my name construed into a nickname like Susie. FURTHERMORE I was never in love with Caspian, who has BLOND hair and BLUE eyes."

The 'Su gulped. "I was only doing what the authoress wanted."

Susan sat down again. "Now, the charges against you are these: 1. using the name and title of a canon character to further your own selfish ends; 2. using horrific grammar and spelling and polluting the whole fanfiction realm for everyone; 3. being unrepentant when confronted with your error. Do you have anything to say?"

Neither one said anything.

"Fine," Susan replied. She reached over to her file cabinet and took out a sparkly pink wand. She pushed a button and waved it over the two—

And where they had stood a moment before were two piles of sparkly dust—one pink and one blue. The annoying smell vanished as the dust disappeared.

"Well done," Susan said to the outriders. "May I have your stun-guns and de-OOC-ifier spray back?"


End file.
